Toner_Low

WATCHMEN REVIEWS

For some reason, I never posted anything on WATCHMEN after I saw that movie. One thing I always wanted to comment on were two reviews I read right after the film came out, one by the New Yorker's professional smart-ass and comics non-enthusiast Anthony Lane, and one by New York Times former fanboy A. O. Scott. Neither reviewer liked the film, but Scott's was by far the superior review, because Lane clearly felt it was beneath his university education to even comment on an entertainment enterprise spawned from a comic book. I recently came across a blog post at Irresistible Targets that says pretty much everything I wanted to say. Have yourselves a looksee--

RAISING KIDS IS LIKE CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN

This was the comparison a co-worker and I came up with the other day. But it needed some fine-tuning, so we modified it a few times and came up with:

--Raising kids is like climbing a mountain with no map.
--Raising kids is like climbing a mountain while suffering from vertigo so intense that you can't determine which way is up or down.
--Raising kids is like climbing a mountain with no food, no clothes, no supplies, and your feet severed at the ankles leaving bloody stumps.
--Raising kids is like climbing a mountain with Elmo as you sherpa.
--Raising kids is like climbing a mountain with Barney as your sherpa and all attempts to shove the purple dino into a crevasse result in nothing but failure and an unending stream of irritating, puerile songs.
--Raising kids is like climbing a mountain only every single muscle in your body is paralyzed so you're not climbing the mountain as much as staring up at it as it looms over you like a frozen wave of granite, while you starve slowly.

THE TRUTH ABOUT HERCULES (AND MAYBE GILGAMESH)


Let us turn now to the great dragon-slayers, to Sigurd, and Beowulf, and St. George, and, first among them, Herakles, subduer of the deadly Hydra.

In his Histories, Herodotus claims to have evidence that the Egyptians worshipped Herakles, or Hercules, as a god ages before the Greeks venerated the mythical hero.

The Greek myth may preserve clues that the story of Herakles has a hidden cosmic significance. To start with, there are the Twelve Labors--basically the centerpiece of the whole story. What's interesting is that each labor relates to a constellation in the Zodiac, or at least a constellation near a Zodiac configuration.

The millions of people who visit this blog every day have no doubt noticed my fascination with David Ulansey's book on the Mithras cult and its ties to astronomy. The Herakles story, with its connections to the Zodiac, may have another similarity to Mithras worship. The hero's trials may have represented grades of initiation, with the final grade--the final labor--being the key to the most heavily guarded secrets of the cult.

For his final labor, Herakles went into the underworld to bring to the upper world Kerberos, the three-headed dog that guarded the gates of the Underworld. Before undertaking this task, Herakles was initiated in the Eleusinian Mysteries, a cult of Demeter that was supposed to possess secret knowledge of the afterlife and the renewal of vegetative life on earth each year.

The Herakles story is one of cycles; the sun through the constellations of the Zodiac, and the decay and renewal of the seasons. The implication is that death and life themselves are cyclical.

More than the entertaining adventures of a really strong guy, was the real purpose behind the Herakles myth a guide to secret esoteric knowledge? And was that knowledge a guide to navigating the afterlife, or even a set of instructions for returning to life?

There are also several similarities with Gilgamesh story; Gilgamesh's saga ends with its hero, as excessive at the tale's beginning as Herakles is at his, eventually obtaining a plant which allows the old to become young again, but he loses it. Did the authors of the Gilgamesh story and the Egyptian version of the Herakles myth borrow from the same sources?

If someone can figure out how I can turn this idea into a screenplay for Tom Hanks, I'll cut you in for 10% of the eventual gross.

Labels: Mithras, mythology

THANKS, DARWIN

As if to put a cold, dark period on the fulfillment of my evolutionary purpose, my health took a dive around the time that the new guy was born; I developed a painful, ugly sore on my eyelid (and all you ladies out there who are into puss-filled boils, let me tell you, it made me look hot), then I caught one of the many, many diseases that has been circulating throughout New York lately. This one appears to be a bacterial infection of the throat--whoopee. The sore's better and the throat is on the mend thanks to antibiotics, but still, natural selection has made its point; having now produced two offspring and thereby extended my genetic material into the next generation, I can now begin my slow shamble toward the elephant graveyard. Let's hope they have cable.

HERE HE IS

I promised you a photo, so here's the new addition to the Toner Clan. The Great One Himself at rest.

BIG NEWS AT THIS END

My second son arrived Friday, the 26th--looking pink, fit, and bound for the ivy leagues. Harvard, if you're reading this, my kid will own you by the time he's sixteen. Pictures to come--

THIS & THAT

Recent movies...

Terminator: Salvation (2/5 stars)
"Well, it's no TERMINATOR 3."

Angels & Demons (3/5 stars)
"For centuries, those incessant babymakers have had the coolest costumes and props. Now they have an exciting story, too."

Drag Me To Hell (4/5 stars)
"Much fun. The ending's pretty obvious, though."

Up (1/5 stars)
"I prefer Russ Meyer's original."

FROM THE VAULTS...

I dug this up in an old gmail account. Some rantings from back when I had a soul and my life had meaning. Ah, those were the days. Now, I'm reduced to reruns. Anyway, enjoy...

I just got back from the first science fiction convention I've been near
in 15 years. It was everything you would imagine it would be.

In the dealer's room, many people were selling t-shirts emblazoned with
"funny" sayings, or endless quotes from MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL.
One of the shirts said, "WARNING: I have a vocabulary of over 75,000
words, and I'm not afraid to use it."

I thought this was pretty obnoxious. So I came up with my own t-shirt
slogans to sell to the fans. Part of me actually wants to get these
printed up and take them to a con, to see how fans would react. For your
enjoyment....

I'm insecure because I'm physically unattractive and/or socially awkward.
The main way I make myself feel good is by using my intelligence to try to
make others feel bad.

The majority of Mundanes are actually happier than I am.

I honestly think these outfits and costumes make me look my absolute best.

I laugh obnoxiously loudly so that others will know what a great sense of
humor I have.

Why bathe when you're as smart as I am?

No matter how many hit points my D&D character has, that bully from middle
school could still kick my ass.

If they say it with a British accent, I will laugh, no matter how unfunny
it is.

The secret of comedy is allusions to other films or books. No real wit or
irony is required. Simply the allusion.

Overweight people can look very attractive, but not wearing that.

Deep Space Nine ran two more years than Babylon 5, and was never in
serious danger of cancellation. But we're gonna deny that.

My greatest fear is that CADDYSHACK may actually be funnier than HOLY
GRAIL. Shhhhhh. Don't tell anyone.

Comics aren't worth my time. Unless they're written by Joe Straczynski.
Somehow, those are magically good.

This beard is my way of compensating.

Would a vampire really dress that way? I think we both know the answer.

Horror fans are cooler than s/f fans. But you didn't hear it from me.

I can recite entire scenes from HOLY GRAIL and HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE. Guess
that makes me the funniest thing in the whole, wide world.

Desperately waiting for the next Weird Al CD so I can finally "rock out"
again.

BUFFY -- Tune in for the masturbation fodder, stay for the story.

I put on fuzzy slippers shaped like rabbits with sharp fangs, and think,
"Man, I look *good.*"

I (heart) The Sound of My Own Voice

I secretly know that three of the five STAR WARS movies are, honestly,
pretty wretched.

Endlessly repeating "I've got a bad feeling about this," is not a running
gag. A running gag also has to be funny.

Labels: just... stuff